Recently I had the pleasure of working as an extra on the set of "Step-Up 3D"---or perhaps it's called "Step-Up 3: Step-Up 3D"---but, the point is, it was an amazing time...mainly because I was paid to stand in one place and "wave my hand in the air like (I didn't) care"...for 12 hours.

so...what can i tell you about the movie? a few things...

first of all, the poster is going to look like this.

JEFF as a Vampire:

So...as you may have heard, David Carradine, star of Kung Fu, as well as Kill Bill and some pretty lame ads of Yellow Book, died in Thailand in what seems to be an accidental death. Caused by auto-erotic asphyxiation. Don't know what auto-erotic asphyxiation (AEA) is? Here's a great explanation written in Slate magazine. What's that? You already knew what it was because you do it all the time? You're gross.

Here's what's sad to me about David Carradine's death (aside from the fact that he's dead which means we'll never see something like this again)...a guy that cool deserved a less embarassing death than this. Seriously. He was a kung fu master!! And he basically killed himself by masturbating in a kinky way. So...instead of death by AEA (embarassing)...here are a few ways I'm choosing to pretend that David Carradine died. I feel they are much cooler.

Carradine, 72, dies filming Kill Bill vol. 3

David Carradine was  found dead today on the set of Kill Bill vol 3: Bill Bill. The next film in the successful franchise slated for release in the summer of 2011, focuses around the character Carradine played in the first two films, Bill, and an IRS agent (Catherine Zeta-Jones) who tries to track him down for tax evasion. Writer/Director Quentin Tarantino says "(Spoiler alert!!!) Everyone know's that Bill died at the end of Vol. 2. Or did he? Ok? He might not have, ok? Right..? So...yeah...and Catherine's great in it...and David's David. It's like a really, zany caper movie. With sword fighting and W2's...ok?" The death took place during a rehearsal for a scene in the film where Zeta-Jones' character, Lupe, stuffs three i9's down Bill's throat. Carradine suddenly turned blue and collapsed. "David's always so committed to the scene...even in rehearsal...we thought he was just going for it" said a distraught but beautiful Zeta-Jones (Douglas). Carradine's death, while tragic, will not change the plot of the movie or derail plans for its release, as Tarantino claims that "David Carradine can never die."

Carradine, 72, Drowns in a Volcano

David Carradine, actor, poet, and all-around badass finally met his match yesterday afternoon, while body surfing on a wave of liquid-hot magma. "David loved adventure" said his publicist, "and he was always looking for ways to top himself." Carradine, best known for his role on the popular show Kung Fu, was also known for his various death-defying stunts. "He loved to test the limits of his body--I guess this time he just met his match." Carradine, who as recently as last year was seen roller-blading down Mt. Everest, was in Hawaii on vacation when he evidently decided to go for a swim while visiting Mt. Kileaua. Mike Olupappamauilulu, local coroner, was shocked to learn that Carradine would swim inside the mighty volcano. "I can't believe he did it. I mean, I remember that time he had unprotected sex with a bengal tiger...but this was just too much." Olupappamauilulu said early signs pointed to drowning as the cause of death, and also noted that although Carradine's clothes and hair had been incinerated, his body was miraculously unburned. "It's like he was invincible. Or...what was that movie...with Bruce Willis...UNBREAKABLE. Yeah...like, nothing could hurt him...but he still has to breathe, you know? Even Superman can drown, I guess." Carradine was slated to star in a revival of "Big River" on Broadway in August, and was also planning a trip into outer space so that he could ride Haley's Comet rodeo-style.

Carradine, 72, Dies for your Sins

David Carradine, an actor best known for his work on the television series Kung-Fu, and also to a lesser extent for his diet program "Kung-Food," died yesterday in an apparent attempt to save mankind for their collective sins. "I'm still in shock," said close friend Jackie Chan. "One minute he was writing a book about his many, many sexual fetishes, the next he's dying so that I might live. It's moving in its own way." Carradine was found in his apartment, along with a letter explaining his thought process. "This is not suicide," read the opening line of the letter. "This is a new beginning for everyone." The letter went on to claim that mankind had fallen far from the will of the God father (described as "a pretty chill guy who just needs someone to talk to")" and that "by doing this, I think I can rid the world of pain, suffering, and Perez Hilton." Police do not suspect foul play, but some family members are pressing for the FBI's involvement. "I don't know who this "GOD" is, but I want him found...he's the reason David killed himself, and he'll be judged for it. Maybe not here on Earth...but maybe by some benevolent being in the after-life," said Carradine's sister. Other people onhand at the visitation were visibly shaken but also seemed to have a glow about them. "In a lot of ways, I'm glad this happened." said a friend who asked to remain anonymous. "Since David died for my sins, I can continue to be an asshole. He really was a great friend. Still...I can't help but shake the feeling that this has already been done." The final line in Carradine's letter seemed to sum up much of his life philosophy...

"I hope they write songs about me...but if they don't, that's totally cool too."

Indeed.

So. He did it. Obama selected a supreme court nominee...Sonia Sotomayor.

congratulations, Sonia! You're just a few filibusters away from a lifetime appointment on the highest court in the land.

but who are some of the other folks that Obama was considering? how are they feeling on the day after his announcement?

let's see who didn't make the cut.

Elena Kagan, U.S. Solicitor General

Diane Wood, 7th Cir. Appellate Judge

Paula Abdul, Pop Star, Judge

Judith Sheindlin, Judge on "Judge Judy"

Judge Dredd, Judge. Jury. Executioner.

Congrats to (almost) Justice Sotomayor!

As you may or may not know, Obama is in the process of selecting a suitable pick for the highest court in the land.

as far as i know, the president does not read this blog, nor is he aware of my existence, although i do pay taxes, so there's a chance he's seen my name on a form somewhere.

but. Mr. Obama. if you're reading this...i'd like to throw my hat in the ring. here are a few reasons why i'd make a kickass supreme court justice.

1. though i've never been a lawyer or judge, i still feel like i have more experience than Harriet Miers.

2. someone as interested in change as you should relish the fact that you'd be nominating the youngest supreme court justice ever. it's a lifetime appointment, and at 26 my best years are ahead of me. i'd be an influence in the court for DECADES TO COME.

3. in 4th grade, i committed the preamble of the constitution to memory. that should count for something.

4. i too can sit and listen to people and then form an opinion, which will become irrefutable fact for the rest of time. in truth, i form most of my opinions assuming that they will BECOME irrefutable fact. just like Cheney.

5. though we may not agree on abortion, we can all agree on ice cream--which i'm in favor of.

6. i'm a Libra...which means i'm balanced.

7. i have a great smile.

i'd be a great justice. all you have to do is click here to e-mail president Obama and tell him to nominate me, Jeff Ashworth, as supreme court justice.

seriously...if you want your future gay baby to get married, then have an abortion, i may be your only hope.

ok.

i didn't say i would 'never' do this...but, i've been avoiding it for some time now, because...

1. i don't like new things
2. i don't like 'hip' things
3. i don't enjoy things associated with birds (St. Louis Cardinals, avian flu, the Boston Celtics, Charlie Parker...)

but...i've joined twitter.

you can follow me there...or, here...or do both...but the point is, you should be following me. i'm going somewhere.

that sounded a little megalomaniacal...but...twitter has that effect on people, i guess...soon i will have an army of followers (that's literally what they're called. followers. and i am their leader)...people who care deeply about my day, the things running through my mind, and the various celebrities i may have bumped into at the grocery store.

and who is my first follower? only moments after joining, i learned i was being followed...by "BRITNEY F*CK VIDS"

normally i wouldn't put the * in there...but...apparently my mother reads this blog. so...that ones for you, mom. happy mother's day.

anyway...BRITNEY F*CK VIDS wants to know what i'm up to! where i'm going! who i'm with! it's all very exciting.

so, again...if you want to be as cool/popular as BRITNEY F*CK VIDS...follow their example.

and follow me.

welcome to my new blog. Since it's my first attempt at a real blog I thought it would be appropriate for me to explain why I'm doing this.

It's simple really...America is giving me no other option. Blogs are the new media. Bloggers the new journalists. If you don't have a blog, you apparently do not have a soul, and therefore can't be trusted. Plus, I am snarky, and have always had an opinion about "who wore it best..." which I will inevitably share with you all on this page ad naseum.

So...here's my blog. Read it and weep...for my innocence is lost.

I know this isn't "technically" my first blog, so I'm not really "losing my blog virginity" or "popping my blog cherry" or "taking that next bold step toward manhood...via blogging"---but since it's the first blog of my "new" blog, and that inevitably does make me think of this as a rapturous, virginity-stealing experience, I thought I'd talk a little about why abstinence is unreasonable.

Surely by now you've heard that Bristol (named for ESPN Studios!) Palin...daughter of Republican cross-dresser Sarah Palin and former virgin/nubile MILF (note: she's not actually a MILF that ILF...i wouldn't dream of "shoplifting the pooty from a single mom"*) is now launching a campaign promoting abstinence. This is hilarious for two reasons...

1: She herself did not abstain...proven by the fact that she has a baby (two?**) out of wedlock.

2. She was quoted while her mother was on the campaign trail as saying "abstinence... is not realistic."

Her husband, Levi (named for jeans!) Johnston is obviously confused, and publicly defended his position, a sort of hybrid between "kids are gonna have sex" and "sometimes kids (read: everyone) don't use condoms."

in an interview today, Johnston said "I would never consider (my son) an accident"--this is a sweet sentiment, except THAT'S WHAT HE IS. You didn't want to have a baby...you weren't trying to have one...but you forgot to wear a condom...so you ACCIDENTALLY got your girlfriend pregnant...

but no. your baby isn't a "mistake." In retrospect the only mistake you made was knocking up the daughter of a vehemently pro-life vice presidential candidate. no biggie though.

At any rate...now that her marriage is off, Bristol Palin and the folks at SarahPAC are trying to reshape history by making Bristol the face of a new, hip, happenin' abstinence campaign "Vow Not Now"---which, i'm gonna go on record as saying is a shitty name. "Vow not now" just means "i promise i will not have sex right now. Three weeks from now when i've exhausted dry-humping and my parents are away, we'll see."

But even if it weren't a shitty name (see above), why make Bristol Palin the face of this campaign? SHE ALREADY HAD SEX. Unless she has hymen replacement surgery,  she cannot be the face of a campaign that promotes virginity and abstinence without seeming like an unbelievable hypocrite. That would be like making Kirstie Ally the face of some kind of diet program.***

oh. that already happened.

it's cool Bristol. Hypocrisy is learned behavior. And your mom's a great teacher.

WAS THAT SNARKY ENOUGH FOR YOU AMERICA???

Kids are going to have sex. We can try to convince them not to...but if we're pouring all our money into abstinence-only education, then we're going to end up with a bunch of teens with kids. period.

case in point? BRISTOL PALIN AND HER BABY BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK IN A STATE THAT SUPPORTS ABSTINENCE ONLY EDUCATION****


so...do America a favor. Buy that kid on the corner a pack of condoms.

and if you're up to it...show him how to open them. cause that's the tough part.


*jerry maguire reference...2 points!

**conspiracy theory hyperlink...5 points!

***snark factor: 6/10

****all caps denotes rage.